Beep, Beep, Motherfucker.

Beep, Beep!

Since my diagnosis, I’ve heard “you’re so brave, you’re so strong!” from more than a few people. I’m not braver or stronger than anyone else. I just did what I had to do to survive. I didn’t think about the past because it was over and frankly, I was glad. My future wasn’t guaranteed, so I didn’t make plans. All I had was the present day and I just focused on doing what was required to get through the day. 

I’d like to say that Cancer helped me learn patience and grace and a whole laundry list of other pious and Christian virtues. Yeah, not so much.

If you’ve never been to a Cancer treatment center, it’s a big room with about 25-30 big, cushy recliners because infusion takes a few hours and they want you to be as comfortable as possible. They serve snacks and beverages (I kept asking for tequila, but nada). There’s usually a TV in front of each chair, but to be honest, I didn’t see many people watching them. Most read or sleep or if they’re lucky, a family member or friend comes with them and they chat quietly. Aside from the Cancer, it’s a rather Zen atmosphere. It’s a quiet place, we all realize we’re there for the same reason, so people are mostly respectful and supportive.

Mostly.

One day, a woman near me was having a full-fledged very loud pity party. “Why me? Why did this happen to me? I’m a good person, I go to church every week, I don’t break the law, I’m nice to people, why did this happen to me?” 

She was really disrupting the chill environment that the medical staff - works so hard to create. I could see that her whining was starting to make people uncomfortable. So, being me, I leaned over and said, “Why NOT you?”

That shut her up for a moment, but I could see she was far from done. So, I pushed. “Really. Why NOT you? Do you think that people DESERVE to get Cancer? Look around this room – can you honestly say that anyone here deserved to get sick? That they deserve it and you don’t?” And of course, being me, I had to take it that one more step. “Cancer isn’t a punishment, it’s an illness. It’s life. And it was just your fucking turn.”  

At which point, she burst into tears and ran for the ladies’ room. I shamed a cancer patient and drove her into a melt-down. Go me. 

As I said, I’d like to say that having Cancer taught me patience, but it hasn’t. I think it just rearranged my priorities. And it released my inner bitch. Not that she was ever hiding. 

 I still have a low tolerance for bullshit, I just don’t sweat the small stuff or stress out over things I can’t control.

 For example – I pull up to the drive-through pharmacy and there’s a car in front of me. The person is asking the pharmacist questions about their medication. The driver is having a hard time hearing and communicating through face masks.  I get that. These are crazy times and people are scared. I’m not going to push. My turn will come.

However, should the idiot behind me beep his horn (because his time is SO much more important than anyone else’s), well, I may just slow down and when it’s my turn, I’ll have a LOT of questions for the pharmacist. 

Beep, Beep, Motherfucker.

lo