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| Beep, Beep! |
Since my diagnosis, I’ve heard “you’re so brave, you’re so
strong!” from more than a few people. I’m not braver or stronger than anyone
else. I just did what I had to do to survive. I didn’t think about the past
because it was over and frankly, I was glad. My future wasn’t guaranteed, so I didn’t
make plans. All I had was the present day and I just focused on doing what was
required to get through the day.
I’d like to say that Cancer helped me learn patience and
grace and a whole laundry list of other pious and Christian virtues. Yeah, not
so much.
If you’ve never been to a Cancer treatment center, it’s a
big room with about 25-30 big, cushy recliners because infusion takes a few
hours and they want you to be as comfortable as possible. They serve snacks and
beverages (I kept asking for tequila, but nada). There’s usually a TV in front
of each chair, but to be honest, I didn’t see many people watching them. Most read
or sleep or if they’re lucky, a family member or friend comes with them and
they chat quietly. Aside from the Cancer, it’s a
rather Zen atmosphere. It’s a quiet place, we all realize we’re there for the same reason,
so people are mostly respectful and supportive.
Mostly.
One day, a woman near me was having a full-fledged very
loud pity party. “Why me? Why did this happen to me? I’m a good person, I go to
church every week, I don’t break the law, I’m nice to people, why did this
happen to me?”
She was really disrupting the chill environment that the medical staff - works
so hard to create. I could see that her whining was starting to make people
uncomfortable. So, being me, I leaned over and said, “Why NOT you?”
That shut her up for a moment, but I could see she was far
from done. So, I pushed. “Really. Why NOT you? Do you think that people DESERVE
to get Cancer? Look around this room – can you honestly say that anyone here
deserved to get sick? That they deserve it and you don’t?” And of course, being
me, I had to take it that one more step. “Cancer isn’t a punishment, it’s
an illness. It’s life. And it was just your fucking turn.”
At which point, she burst into tears and ran for the ladies’
room. I shamed a cancer patient and drove her into a melt-down. Go me.
As I said, I’d like to say that having Cancer taught me
patience, but it hasn’t. I think it just rearranged my priorities. And it released
my inner bitch. Not that she was ever hiding.
I still have a low
tolerance for bullshit, I just don’t sweat the small stuff or stress out over
things I can’t control.
For example – I pull
up to the drive-through pharmacy and there’s a car in front of me. The person
is asking the pharmacist questions about their medication. The driver is having
a hard time hearing and communicating through face masks. I get that. These are crazy times and people are
scared. I’m not going to push. My turn will come.
However, should the idiot behind me beep his horn (because
his time is SO much more important than anyone else’s), well, I may just slow
down and when it’s my turn, I’ll have a LOT of questions for the pharmacist.
Beep,
Beep, Motherfucker.
lo
