Old Bear, New Bear

The Original Next Door Bear

 

For those of you wondering, the Bear emerged from the fire unscathed. The neighbor’s garage went up in flames, but the Bear survived without a mark. A true ursine miracle. So, he is still there, in the wilds of suburban Connecticut, in all his glory. He continues to mark every season, holiday, and world event with his own brand of style. And I will continue to visit periodically if only to keep up with the season's fashion.

Obviously, since I moved, I no longer live next door to the Bear. I was feeling a little lost until I came upon this guy for sale. When I saw this face, I knew I had to rescue him. He looked like a good listener. And he is. 

Dubya times two

When I got him home and looked at him closely, I saw a distinct resemblance to George W. Bush. He’s got that same goofy, confused wince to his expression. 

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce… Dubya. 

I love having him here and talk to him daily. He’s a constant reminder that even though I have strong opinions and sometimes see things in black and white, given the right context, I am fully capable of changing my mind. 

For example – I did not vote for Bush#2 and when he was POTUS I generally regarded him as the WORST PRESIDENT EVER. 

And now… looking back… Damn, I miss him.

Let’s Catch Up

Grab a 'cuppa

Wow it’s been a while. Sorry for the lapse. A lot has happened since we last spoke. So grab a cup of whatever and I’ll give you the nutshell version.

Divorce: Well, after a few years of separation, Sparky and I finally divorced. Out of respect for Son O’Mine, I will spare you the dirty details.

Move: Six weeks after the divorce was final, I sold the house and purchased a condo. Two closings and one move in one day. A real estate marathon. My attorney was so impressed with my negotiating skills he told me if I ever decided to start a new career as a real estate paralegal, he’d hire me. I’m still considering that.

Preparing to Exhale

Fire: One month after I moved out, while it was undergoing renovations, our old house burned to the ground. Nothing left but the foundation, one chimney and the curbside mailbox. Thank goodness no one was injured.

When the new owners rebuilt, they used the same footprint but a completely new floor plan. Since the house was on a corner, they were able to turn it so that it now faces to the side with a completely new address. It’s as if 30+ years of history has been completely erased. I felt kind of strange about it at first, but now I find it rather freeing. The only good thing that came out of that time is Son O’Mine and that’s fine with me. I left all the lies, betrayals, the emotional abuse and pain behind when I walked out of that house for the last time.  After all those years of walking on eggshells and holding my breath, the fire allowed me to finally exhale.

So, moving on was the most difficult and best thing that I ever did. I was able to purge and only take the things that mattered to me. Everything else, I left behind – in more ways than one.

When I started this new chapter, I promised myself I wouldn’t settle. I had spent my entire life settling for what other people told me I should have, should like, should do. No more. I refused to settle and found the house of my dreams. Life was going great.

Then, in October of 2018, everything changed.

Margaritas and Memories

So this week, I had dinner (and margaritas) with my friend Sue. We hadn't seen each other in about 5 years and it's probably 30 years since we had an opportunity to have a real conversation. 

We have always been as different as night and day - Sue is outgoing and competitive and athletic - I am none of those things.  She has two brothers, I'm an "only." She grew up in a large, loving, crazy Italian family.  I loved going to her home because there was always noise and laughter there - the sounds of family, the sounds of love.  My family was much smaller, quiet and not very expressive - there weren't many smiles there.

But, our personalities seemed to complement each other. We shared a sense of wonder and imagination (we once saw a UFO - honest!) - and we planned to one day open a Girl Detective Agency.  Our time together was punctuated by laughter.

By the time we entered high school, we'd already started to head in separate directions.  I went off to a magnet Art School and Sue's natural athletic talent took her into the sports arena.

After college, we headed off in different directions - and then,  two weddings, one birth, one and a half divorces and all the other things that life throws at you.

I wasn't sure what to expect - would we have anything in common after all these years apart?

The fun-loving girl with the irrepressible laugh who wore my pink high-tops under her wedding gown is still there - but she's grown into a strong, passionate, socially conscious woman who is determined to make this world a better place.

I love Sue - she's the closest I've ever had to a sister.  And now that I see the amazing woman she's grown into, I have developed a whole new respect for the person that she is.

She makes me want to get my shit together and finish that second book I've been poking at (and avoiding) for years - and finish every other unfinished project I've started over the last decade.

She makes me want to be a better person.

I think that's the best thing one friend can do for another. 

Here comes the Bride...

Make a Promise

Merry Christmas!

On December 16th, during a routine visit, my doctor informed me that he found a lump in my left breast.  I didn't want to ruin the holidays for the family so I kept it to myself and was scheduled for a mammogram and diagnostic ultrasound - after the New Year - how stoic of me.  No time for tears, the holidays are busy times.

They say you should have your first mammogram at age 40 - I was busy.

All through my 40's I found excuse after excuse to avoid it - I was just too busy.

Every once in a while, I'd do a self-exam. - pressing in concentric circles - and anytime I felt something unusual, I'd quickly switch to check the other boob - my rule of thumb was as long as I have a matching set, I'm good.

Very scientific. Who needs a medical degree - I'd know if something was wrong - right?

So, yesterday I went to the hospital and had my very first ever mammogram. It wasn't comfortable, but it's not painful. These boobs were ironed horizontally and vertically.  Then they were drenched in a gallon of goo and ultrasounded thoroughly.  I watched the screen as if I knew what to look for.

When it was over, I asked the Radiologist, "Well, did you see anything?"

"The doctor's going to look at these now and then she'll talk to you about what your next steps will be." .

I realize that's a stock answer but those are some terrifying words.  And then she left me alone.

Did you know...

Over the next 20 minutes, I  tried to recall all of the women I knew who'd been touched by breast cancer - the aunt in Florida who had a mastectomy about 10 years ago, a friend who had a lumpectomy. Both still here, both survivors.

Then, I remembered Judy.  We met as co-workers when I was in my early 30's.  Judy was about 15 years older - a vibrant, funny woman with an infectious laugh. You couldn't find two more different women.  Judy was a southern black woman raised in South Carolina - now a single Mom raising her teenage children in a small apartment in downtown New Haven.  I was a young white suburban wife living the dream as a new homeowner and the mother of a toddler.  We shared the same last name and quirky sense of humor - we bonded instantly.

Judy was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer while still in her 40's.  By the time they found it, it had spread to her lungs.   The last time I saw Judy, she told me she knew the lump was there for a few years.  She didn't feel sick, so she ignored it.

She was too busy.

By the time she began to feel sick, it was too late -  6 months later, she was gone.

And now, I was trying not to panic as I waited - wondering how long this thing had been inside me while I'd been too busy.

When the Radiologist came back, she was smiling. "You're all set - we reviewed the mammogram and the ultrasound and we didn't find anything."

That's when the tears came.  And being the perennial optimist, I asked, "Are you sure?"

She laughed and said "Yes, we're sure - we're very sure. You're all clear."

Ladies -

We put so much effort into taking care of everyone else, that we often set aside our own needs for the sake of family, husbands and children.  But the very best thing we can do for them is to take care of ourselves.

I have a son whom I adore. And I plan to be around to embarrass him for many years to come. I make this promise to him and I advise all of you Ladies to do the same for the ones you love.

I love you, Son O'Mine - and because I love you - I promise to take care of me. 

Make that promise - and keep it.

Happy New Year!

"Let go or be dragged"

When I was a child, I lost all of the people closest to me within the space of one year.  Consequently, I've always had a difficult time letting go of people.  Even those who were toxic and hurtful and damaging. I clung to them fiercely because my biggest fear was being left alone.
Over the past several weeks I have reconnected with some old friends that I'd lost touch with.  They reminded me that my personhood isn't lost, she's simply been buried for a long time. 

The Me I once was

Yes, that was me at age 26. She was an individual - a person. She was bright and loving and strong and wild and brave. Most of all, she was fearless.  And I miss her.

I see now that what I once believed was a safety net, was actually an anchor dragging me down.  Because I was too afraid to let go.

So this is me... letting go. 

It may take me a while to dig my way out, but I intend to fly.

Straight up - hold the Snark

Top Shelf - Straight up 

This is perhaps the most difficult post I've ever had to write. I'm so much better at the funny, snarky bites. But I need to say this without sarcasm or jokes.

Here it is, the unvarnished truth.

Sparky and I are splitting up. Things came to a head back in January and after almost 30 years together, we've decided to divorce. Those of you who know me well know that I am a fiercely private person. I do not wish to air (or have aired by others) my dirty laundry in public. Quite frankly, only the two of us truly know the truth and those of you who've heard stories have only heard one side.  There are two sides to every story and the truth generally lies somewhere in the middle.

Out of respect for my son, I'm not going to publish details of our marriage or it's demise here.  It's really no one's business but ours. Let's just say that this is the best thing for all of us.

As for me, after the dust settled, I was forced to take a good honest look at my life and admit that I haven't been happy for a very, very long time.  The initial feelings of panic and devastation passed quickly and were replaced by a huge sense of relief.  Pretending things are perfect takes an enormous amount of energy.

To my friends and family, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you for so many years. I'm sorry I didn't allow myself to trust enough to ask for help. I hope you know that I kept everyone at arm's length not because I didn't trust you - I didn't trust that I was deserving of your love or friendship.  I am learning to reach out (baby steps) and have found the support and love of my friends is there - was always there. I was just too afraid to ask. I owe you all (especially you, Laura) my eternal gratitude and love.

To my son, I'm sorry that I couldn't give you the perfect life I so wanted for you. However, every day when I look at you and see the strong, loving, creative and brilliant man you've grown into, I know that despite the fact that your father and I failed each other, we can take pride in the knowledge that we were successful as parents.  Despite our faults, we have managed to raise an amazing son.

And that, my friends, is what's going on.  We're still in the process of working out all the details (amazing how much stuff and business you accumulate in 28 years) but things are moving along in a relatively civilized manner.

One thing is not negotiable.

I get custody of the Bear.

/snark on