Dear Stop & Shop...

I think we should see other people. 

I tried to be sympathetic because I was sure you were just going through a midlife crisis. I was patient while you underwent a complete makeover with new colors, shorter aisles and flashy displays.  

I understand - it’s not easy getting older. We all get to that point where it feels like life is passing us by.  

So I was willing to go along with the sexy new look if it made you feel better about yourself. Then came the gradual withdrawal. At first it was a couple of self-checkout lines. Then SCAN-IT popped up at every entrance.  

 

“Do it your damn self.”

 

But now it’s just getting downright weird. This week when I was shopping, I found this sad little display in the middle of the Pet Food aisle.  

Is this some secret grocery code?

That’s right – canned pumpkin.  

I could not make this up

I figure either Dementia has set in… or you’re fucking with me.  

Either way, this relationship is over. I’m tired of being taken for granted. You don’t seem to care whether I’m around or not.

 

I need to move on and find someone who values me.

 

Oh, who am I kidding? You're close and convenient and we have a history.

 

God help me - I just can't quit you!

 

There is a body in my trunk...

Well, I drive a Jeep Cherokee so I don't actually have a trunk. But there is a space behind the back seat - and there is currently a body in it.

A dead body.

Dead, dismembered and drained.

Her feet are in a separate bag...

I didn't know her before her untimely demise, but I suspect she is a Hamilton.

 Note the strong family resemblance

Sparky and his BFF (My Sister-Wife, Geno) used to roast pigs in a huge oil drum in Geno's backyard.   Everyone else loved to watch the pig spin while drinking copious amounts of beer and tequila but since I don't drink all that much, the sight of a corpse rotisserie-ing all day in a rusty oil drum was less than appetizing.

Then, I discovered La Caja China!

I saw Roberto kick Bobby Flay's butt in a Pork Shoulder Throwdown and I was sold. I had found THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT for my husband.  (We've been married 27 years - I ran out of great gift ideas around 15 years ago, so this was a true Christmas miracle.)

I knew it was a hit when Sparky assembled the box in the middle of my living room on Christmas Eve. Since then, there's been no stopping him. Several times a year, Sparky whips out his Caja China and cooks up a pig.

It's a big production, mind you. He restrains the pig spread-eagled on a rack, injects the pig with secret juice, then he rubs the pig all over with coarse salt and spices...

'Scuse me... had a little "50 Shades of Pork" moment there...'

Anyhow, a friend of Son O'Mine is having a party tomorrow and he asked Sparky to roast a pig. So,  at this very moment, he's out there restraining and injecting and rubbbbbbing...

I'm going to watch.

Hey, I'm old... I take my thrills wherever I can.

Thank Goodness - pushing that toaster button is exhausting

Ok, so I'm in the grocery store the other day and I saw this:

Best thing since sliced bread...

Pre-made toast.

Really? Even I'm not THAT lazy. Really? Or are you too busy? Can't take 45 seconds out of your life to toast bread? Does it take too much effort to push that button?

Really??

Then I saw the brand name...

Bimbos have their own food group now

Ah OK. 'Nuff said.

It's only a matter of time till we see bottled boiling water...

The "F" words - Fun, Festivities and FOOD!

I have a confession to make - I love Renaissance Faires. Our first exposure was a local Renn Faire "Evening" sponsored by a local VFW. That was about 8 years ago, and since then we try to get away to the NY Renn Faire for one weekend each year, and we hit the CT Faire at the end of the season.

If you've never been, GO! Especially if you have kids. Imagine a whole day of entertainment that doesn't involve TV, DVDs or a Computer. Fire eaters, jugglers, knife throwers, belly dancers, human chess match, jousting ... all fun, all day long.

And Ladies... shopping galore! Leather merchants and breathtaking handmade jewelery.

You don't need to dress up - some folks do, some don't and some unleash their creative spirit in an entirely different way (this year in NY, there was a small group of Transvestites in Hello Kitty paraphernalia). No one judges, it's all in good fun.

Some costumes are sweetly creative

And some just defy Gravity...

In addition to all the entertainment, there is food. Oh Em Gee. Hearty soup in bread bowls, steak on a stick, Ginormous Turkey Legs, Pickles sold out of barrels, freshly squeezed lemonade and sweets to die for. They will dip anything in chocolate.

I thought chocolate covered cheesecake on a stick was the ultimate indulgence, but this year they topped that.

Wait for it... wait for it...

Chocolate Covered Bacon

Yes, that is exactly what it says... Chocolate covered BACON! (The goopy stuff is caramel) I know it looks like a turd, but come on Folks - it's Bacon!


Renaissance Faires... They're not just for nerds anymore.

Season Over

So it's been a few weeks - let me catch you up.

Son O'Mine turned 23. Which makes me … older than 23.

Sparky's football team won their bowl game. So now they are the New England Prep School champs for their league.

And football season is over for this year. Now we get to do things I like – things we’ve been putting off since August.

It was a long season of Sparky being busy 7 days a week, trying to schedule any and all family occasions around practice and games.

In the end, Son O'Mine and I traveled over two hours into the hinterlands of Massachusetts to sit on a blanket on a hill in sub-zero weather to watch them win (I’m pretty sure Massachusetts is above the arctic circle).

Our team is a second-half team. They like to mess with you - they play kind of crappy till the half. Then they spend the second half wiping up the field with the other team. So not only was it freezing cold, it was emotionally exhausting.  They put us through this every week. The championship game was no different. 14-14 at the half. 49-20 final score.

But those home games rocked. Especially the tailgating food. Man, those parents put on a spread. We’re not talking burgers and dogs (although those were present), no… we’re talking lasagna, mac and cheese, chili, chicken gumbo, pulled pork and truckloads of barbecued ribs to die for. Oh yeah, I still dream about those ribs.

And I miss the music – they played Flo-Rida and Will I Am’s “Ayer” every time we scored a touchdown.

Cause nothing quite says ‘Elite Connecticut Prep School’ like a gaggle of chubby football moms bedecked in Lands End fleece singing:

"OH HOT DAMN! THIS IS MY JAM!!!"

To be honest, I’m looking forward to next year.

But don’t tell Sparky. I don’t want to lose my Coach’s wife Saint status.