The Bear is our next door neighbor.
At one time, in his place stood a majestic pine tree, but someone decided to remove the tree, leaving an eight foot high stump.
Now, we wondered why anyone would leave a stump that tall. Then they stripped the bark off the stump and left it - nekkid. It had an unusual shape,rather lumpy with a flat top. I thought it bore a bizarre resemblance to Bart Simpson, but my husband insisted it looked more like an 8 foot erection protruding out of the grass. Bart or Penis, for more than a year it was an eyesore.
Then one weekend in March, we went out of town. We returned home to find that the stump was no longer a stump. It had been carved into the Bear.
A raw pine nekkid Bear. Eeewww.
A week later, they painted him. Brown. Just ...brown. He stands on a rock (painted gray of course), one paw across his chest as if he's saying the pledge of allegiance.
Not a scary, ferocious Bear (as bears should be), but a goofy, non-threatening, patriotic Bear.
I hated him. Despised that stupid Bear. Each day, I'd plot his demise. I'd fantasize about borrowing a rifle and blowing that stupid brown woodie out of the yard.
Then came Easter.
What I didn't know was that when they carved this monstrosity, they also drilled a hole under his paw.
So there he was, Easter weekend, surrounded by bright yellow daffodils, sporting a huge pink "HAPPY EASTER!!!!" flag clutched in his paw. However, because the paw is permanently poised across his chest, he looked like he'd been speared through the heart by some demented Easter Bunny.
I swear I could see a definite wince in his painted eyes as he stood there on display for the world to witness his ultimate indignity.
I began to see the Bear in a completely different light.
It’s us, but in dead animal form. But not really dead because they weren’t ever alive. Undead? No. That makes them sound like vampires. So not that. Fuck. I don’t know the word. Hey, how long can a title be? Because this seems excessive. Someone should stop me. Jesus. This is as bad as 280-character twitter.