A Suburban Murder Mystery

The Front Yard Bunny

So last week I caught a rabbit red-handed eating my beans. So I went out and bought a gate for the garden and sprayed everything with my homemade garlic-hot-pepper-Ivory-Soap spray. 

A few days later, I found a dead rabbit in the back yard. I don't know if someone poisoned it - some of the neighbors use chemicals in their gardens - or maybe a predator hurt it - maybe it got hit by a car and dragged itself into the yard to die. I'm not even sure it's the same rabbit I've seen in the yard every day. 

All I know is that it was dead. Dead as a doornail. 

I disposed of the corpse but I was concerned that now I'd have baby bunnies starving to death in the yard. I considered leaving food around the deck but feared I'd attract every deer, fox and coyote for miles.  Who would probably eat the baby bunnies. Bad idea. 

The next morning as I was leaving for work, I saw an adult bunny hopping across the front yard. 

Now we have a mystery. 

Who was the victim? Was it the Dad Bunny?  I didn't get close enough to check, but it looked bigger than the one I normally see in the front yard. 


Do I have more than one Bunny Family?

Perhaps this was not a sad happenstance of natural selection. Perhaps the late Bunny was a casualty of an on-going vicious turf war between the front yard Bunnies and the back yard Bunnies. 

Some scary shit goin' down here in Suburbia. 

Save yourselves...

In my service to Mistress Mother Nature I spend time daily weeding, watering, fertilizing and otherwise caring for and worshiping her beauty. So far, I haven't killed anything although the blue columbine I planted is still flowerless while HER pink columbines are setting records for blooms.  Go figure.

New Pinkness

Each year I plant boatloads of impatiens. They may be my favorite annual because they come in virtually every color, they grow in shade, they tell you immediately when they need water (they wilt visibly - sometimes I swear I can hear them gasping) and if you fertilize the hell out of them, they will quickly fill whatever space you put them in, completely eliminating the need to do much weeding.

Yesterday, at the back of a bed of impatiens I discovered this:

Oh. Em. Gee.

I showed it to Sparky but he dismissed it. "It's just a hole. Relax."

Relax? How can I relax? I watch NatGeo TV!

Now it all makes sense. The bunny that lived in our yard disappeared. And the squirrel population is dwindling rapidly. The signs are obvious.

There are Subterranean Pythons in Connecticut. 

God help us all.

Wear and tear on the Bear...

All the rain we've had this summer has really taken its toll on the Bear.

His paint is fading... and those marigolds are enormous - growing bigger by the day like some creepy kind of Bear-consuming vegetation...

And yet - that freakish red lipstick they slapped on him is still bright.

There are wild rabbits here - even they don't know what to make of this Bear. I've seen them staring as if they're completely perplexed.

Probably wondering if they too will be captured and transformed into some dorky lawn ornament.

The neighbors had a dog years ago - a yippy little beagle named Radar - wonder what ever happened to him? Bet he's stuffed and mounted somewhere in their house... with a fake houseplant balanced on his nose...

Be careful bunnies - you could be next!