Thursday, September 1, 2011

Who are my neighbors?

There's some strange shit going on out here in the suburbs, Folks.

I've been at home during the days this summer and it's given me an opportunity to see just what our neighbors are up to.

First, there's the guy across the street. We call him Charlie's dad. They've lived across from us for about 20 years, and the kids were in cub scouts together one year, but we don't know their name and we never see them outside their house. Ever. Now he has a dog which he walks around the neighborhood - he walks in the street, the dog strolls on lawns, leaving little gifts along the way. The dog is friendly, the guy is not.

I make a point to yell "Hello!" when I see him - he freezes and then drags his dog away from my yard. (I think I scared him because I was planning to retrieve the gifts and leave them in his mailbox, but he's careful not to deposit any in my yard now.)

Then there's the older couple (70's) who walk every afternoon. Well, she power walks briskly and he wheezes along behind her. By the time they circle the block, he's red-faced and limping and puffing like he's having a heart attack. They walk every day. They don't speak though. Not to each other, or anyone else. The only sound is his wheezing as they shuffle to the finish.

But the one who takes the cake is my next door neighbor (Not the Bear, the other side). She loves her lawn. A lot. She mows it at least 3 times a week, riding around on her squeaky mower. "RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrSQUEAK!!!!!RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrSQUEAK!!! RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrSQUEAK!!!!!" It goes on for hours. And hours... And hours.

On alternate days, she trims the lawn with the world's loudest weedwhacker - it's about a decibel lower than a jet engine. It must have a 50 gallon gas tank because she whacks those weeds for hours... trimming the sidewalk and curb, inch... by... fucking... inch.

And while she's out there, at least 30 hours a week tending to her greenage, she wears a uniform. Same outfit every day, even in 100+ degree heat.

Ninja Gardener

Long sleeve shirt, gloves, big hat, long pants and high rubber boots. Some days, she even wears a bandana covering her face.

Because of this, I have absolutely no idea what this woman looks like.

Her Ninja disguise is working.


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